How are you so strong?
Many people have asked
me this along the way. Honest, simple answer… you have to be. It’s how you survive.
And you can survive unimaginable tragedy; even though, if you think about it
right now, you most definitely think you cannot. If you would have asked me
before, I would have told you that should something terrible happen, I would be
a balled-up mess forever. But I’m not now and I really never was. This strength
emerges that you truly never knew even existed.
That’s not to say, by
any means, that this road has been an easy one. Quite the opposite as you can
imagine. Grief does not ever go away. You will not ever forget what happened or
get over your grief. They say “time heals all wounds” but I’m not convinced
that that is true. It is forever engrained in your heart and soul. But grief is
not necessarily a bad thing; it shows how much love you have for the ones you
have lost. Everything has an opposite, and I think love’s opposite is not only
hate but from a different view, grief.
I think that grief does
not have to be a burden, but it instead can be used to grow. This analogy came
to me in the middle of the night, and I actually woke up to write it down, so I
think that means it must be good. I picture grief as a rock in flowerpot.
There’s still soil in the flowerpot like the things you need in life but
there’s this big rock taking up space, making it challenging to grow. But what
does a plant do, it grows around it. The rock will eventually become so
entangled in the roots that it practically becomes part of the plant. And that
beautiful flower can still grow even though it is holding on to a big rock.
Grief shapes you into someone you didn’t know you could be, because it shows
you the value of life and the importance of what really matters. It shows you
your strength and persistence. It grows your empathy and kindness. All those
lessons that I have learned along the way, I am truly grateful for.
All of this is not to
say that there are not times that are not difficult. And it seems like the
difficult times make me feel different every time. Just when you think you’ve
figured it out, surprise, your mind throws a new emotion into the mix.
Sometimes I’m really sad, other times I’m really withdrawn or tired and then
throw in the anxious, can’t turn your brain off thinking. There is no method to
it; you just have to prepare for the fact that it can show up any time, any
day, in any form and know that that’s totally normal even though it doesn’t
feel like it.
The month of May is a
hard one for me… it’s the craziness of the end of the school year, then add on
my most bittersweet holiday of the year, Mother’s Day. Celebrating the kids I
have here and the one I do not; it’s a total mix of emotions every time.
Followed a week later by Weston’s birthday. He would be 8 years old this year;
that number does not even seem possible. A lifetime ago and just yesterday at
the same time.
My 8 year wisdom is
this… it does not get easier so do not expect it to, it just gets different. I
feel like at this point, the roots are established, the flower blooms and it is
not going anywhere, but that rock is not either. The rock won’t get any smaller
or go away but it will continue to shape those roots. 💗
I contemplated what to
do with this blog a few years ago and decided that it will stay, and I will
occasionally update it when things come into my head. I like that Weston’s
story is still here for people that wonder or happen upon it. This is my story,
and it will be forever. I find it freeing and it brings me peace to help others
through challenging situations of grief. It makes me feel better to know that
others feel supported and understood, because I know how hard this journey is
and how alone you can feel even if you’re not. I know sometimes people don’t
bring Weston up to me because they’re worried it may be triggering… it won’t. I
love talking about Weston and sharing his story. So if you need me, I’m here :)
My hope for this blog is that it continues to bring awareness, or support, or
answer some questions or fill in some blanks. So it will continue to be here
for anyone that needs it. :)
