When we lost Weston, our family was forever changed. Our
hearts were broken, and our family dynamic changed drastically. We have known
all along that we wanted at least two kids, and since I’m not one of lucky ones
who loves being pregnant, I thought that two kids sounded perfect. Then a hurricane
shows up and changes everything. I couldn’t imagine not having another baby and
so a few months after Weston, we started trying again.
And here comes the fate, the “there’s no way this can be coincidence”
… I found out I was pregnant two days before Weston’s first birthday on an evening
with a beautiful sunset. And you are completely right when you know that I have
never felt so happy, relieved, and at peace with something as I did with that.
Being pregnant after losing a baby is one of the most
stressful, scary things I’ve had to do. When you’re pregnant, you know that you’re
responsible for this sweet baby and you keep that in your head. When you’re
pregnant after a loss, you slightly lose your mind, because you Obsess. About.
Everything. At least I did. I was terrified that I was going to do something that
would mess it up, so I put on a smile for everyone else and had constant anxiety
every day for almost 9 months. People would joke about pregnancy things, all in
good fun, and I would laugh but inside would be so irritated. I found none of it
funny trying to balance my crazy, busy life while walking on eggshells and
trying to keep it together. It was incredibly difficult. I look back now and
think it’s a little ridiculous that that was my frame of mind but, honestly,
don’t know if I could think any differently if I was pregnant again.
Chris and I had mixed feelings about whether we wanted
another girl or boy. They say that after you lose a baby that your next one may
seem like a ‘replacement baby’, and in a way, it does. Not that we were ever trying
to replace Weston, but we were trying to complete our new, our changed family
dynamic. Having a girl would make it easier, it seemed, but I could not imagine
not having another boy – to the point that I told Chris we were going to have
another baby if this one was a girl! If you’ve known me while I’m pregnant, you
probably just fell out of your chair. It’s just not my favorite thing – the result
is amazing… getting there, not so much! So, I was hoping for a boy. Que the
fate, the magic, the ‘no way!’… a year to the day, August 24, 2016, Chris and I
drove to the exact same hospital that we had driven to the year before, for a
much happier reason. That doctor confirmed that we were, for sure, having
another boy. I went home and bawled and again felt so at peace. I know that
Weston was telling me it was okay.
Fast forward a few months and on January 1, 2017, our
beautiful baby boy, Colton, showed up a few weeks early. His funny story is
that he did not want to come out! My water had broken and he was breech like
the other two so I was headed for a C-Section. He was so cozied up in my ribs
that the doctors had to pull and yank his feet, for what felt like forever, to
get him out! And then he peed on them, because that’s apparently what our boys
do.
He was perfect in every way and we couldn’t have been
happier. We went home with Colton on January 3 and (last time, I promise!) fate
showed up. We left the hospital on a cloudy rainy day (just like with Taylee
and Weston), and I knew that Weston and my grandma were smiling down for sure. Our
little rainbow baby couldn’t be more perfect and our hearts couldn’t be more
full. And I know that our angel baby is smiling too.
Lesson #13
