19) How are you so strong?

 

How are you so strong? 

Many people have asked me this along the way. Honest, simple answer… you have to be. It’s how you survive. And you can survive unimaginable tragedy; even though, if you think about it right now, you most definitely think you cannot. If you would have asked me before, I would have told you that should something terrible happen, I would be a balled-up mess forever. But I’m not now and I really never was. This strength emerges that you truly never knew even existed. 

 

That’s not to say, by any means, that this road has been an easy one. Quite the opposite as you can imagine. Grief does not ever go away. You will not ever forget what happened or get over your grief. They say “time heals all wounds” but I’m not convinced that that is true. It is forever engrained in your heart and soul. But grief is not necessarily a bad thing; it shows how much love you have for the ones you have lost. Everything has an opposite, and I think love’s opposite is not only hate but from a different view, grief. 

 

I think that grief does not have to be a burden, but it instead can be used to grow. This analogy came to me in the middle of the night, and I actually woke up to write it down, so I think that means it must be good. I picture grief as a rock in flowerpot. There’s still soil in the flowerpot like the things you need in life but there’s this big rock taking up space, making it challenging to grow. But what does a plant do, it grows around it. The rock will eventually become so entangled in the roots that it practically becomes part of the plant. And that beautiful flower can still grow even though it is holding on to a big rock. Grief shapes you into someone you didn’t know you could be, because it shows you the value of life and the importance of what really matters. It shows you your strength and persistence. It grows your empathy and kindness. All those lessons that I have learned along the way, I am truly grateful for. 

 

All of this is not to say that there are not times that are not difficult. And it seems like the difficult times make me feel different every time. Just when you think you’ve figured it out, surprise, your mind throws a new emotion into the mix. Sometimes I’m really sad, other times I’m really withdrawn or tired and then throw in the anxious, can’t turn your brain off thinking. There is no method to it; you just have to prepare for the fact that it can show up any time, any day, in any form and know that that’s totally normal even though it doesn’t feel like it. 

 

The month of May is a hard one for me… it’s the craziness of the end of the school year, then add on my most bittersweet holiday of the year, Mother’s Day. Celebrating the kids I have here and the one I do not; it’s a total mix of emotions every time. Followed a week later by Weston’s birthday. He would be 8 years old this year; that number does not even seem possible. A lifetime ago and just yesterday at the same time. 

 

My 8 year wisdom is this… it does not get easier so do not expect it to, it just gets different. I feel like at this point, the roots are established, the flower blooms and it is not going anywhere, but that rock is not either. The rock won’t get any smaller or go away but it will continue to shape those roots. 💗

 

I contemplated what to do with this blog a few years ago and decided that it will stay, and I will occasionally update it when things come into my head. I like that Weston’s story is still here for people that wonder or happen upon it. This is my story, and it will be forever. I find it freeing and it brings me peace to help others through challenging situations of grief. It makes me feel better to know that others feel supported and understood, because I know how hard this journey is and how alone you can feel even if you’re not. I know sometimes people don’t bring Weston up to me because they’re worried it may be triggering… it won’t. I love talking about Weston and sharing his story. So if you need me, I’m here :) My hope for this blog is that it continues to bring awareness, or support, or answer some questions or fill in some blanks. So it will continue to be here for anyone that needs it. :)