14) A Year Ago... But Just Like Yesterday

It’s hard to believe that a year has already passed since our world was so unexpectedly shaken and changed. It’s terrifying to think that one moment, one choice can forever alter your life, but it can and it will in good ways and bad. The tragedy can either take over your life or guide your life depending on how you face it, but you will never forget it; it will eventually become easier, but it will never go away.  

If you think of the happiest days of your life – your wedding day, the birth of your children, your graduation – you remember them just as everyone says, like it happened yesterday. You remember the colors and people and smells and every other detail of the day. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that the same can be true for the tragic events as well.

August 26^th is not a day that Chris and I think about often. It’s terrifying and traumatizing and dramatic and still to this day is the most clear-blur in my mind. I remember every detail – every person’s face, every cord and machine, every detail of the room, the expression on his face – yet when I think about the day, it still feels like the slow motion hurricane that it was when it was happening. A strange feeling to say the least. Thinking about this day will instantly bring tears to my eyes and still remains one of the only days that I have to really hold it together to talk about. It is and was, by far, the hardest day of my life. Driving by the hospital will instantly send a thousand flashes through my mind and mentions of tiny things, seemingly irrelevant, will immediately send my mind back to the PICU on August 26^th.

It’s difficult to deal with today since there is no How To book; it’s hard to know what you’re supposed to do – it’s obviously a hard day, an emotional day, a scary day – not really a day that anyone wants to think about, but I feel the need to do something – something important, something special, something to show that even though our sweet boy is not here, we think about him every single moment. I’ve heard it before that someone’s biggest fear when they’ve lost someone is that they’ll be forgotten, and after losing Weston, I can completely understand that and share that same fear. We decided that we are going up to Tahoe tonight to the beach where we had our wedding and Weston’s memorial. It’s a special place to us for obvious reasons but is beautiful and happy and helps to hold the sadness away.

Our lives have changed so much over the last year – I feel like we love a little more and get mad a little less. We are so grateful for what we have, and especially for who we have in our lives. Our support system is immense, and we are forever thankful for that. We hug Taylee a little tighter and have more fun. You only live once and you never know what your timeline is, so we have become a little more spontaneous and immensely more joyful.

I’ve learned that kindness and happiness are the best cure to any bad day. As of this blog over 600 Kindness Cards have been thrown into the world, and nothing makes me happier than to know that 600 nice things have happened because of Weston (and I have more if you want them!!)! This blog has over 6,000 page views, which blows my mind that people actually want to hear our story; and I hope that when they do, they squeeze their kids a little tighter. I have spoken at one of the Safe Sleep classes in Reno (I was terrified; I made it through without crying – sounds like a win!), and I plan on speaking anywhere and everywhere that people will let me (let me know if you know of somewhere good!). I have been in contact with the Licensing Supervisor for Washoe County Social Services and have a big push to get rules, regulations, and monitoring fixed. I’m busy and tired, but nothing has ever felt more worth it.

So as I’m sitting here today writing this, I’m looking out my window to a sky filling with clouds, (2 days before today – no clouds; forecast says for the next 7 days – no clouds… it just cannot be a coincidence – I’m convinced!) I know that my Weston boy is with us every moment of every day, and I know that one day, we’ll all be together again and that, too, makes today a little bit easier. 

Lesson #11: