It’s hard to believe that a year has already passed since
our world was so unexpectedly shaken and changed. It’s terrifying to think that
one moment, one choice can forever alter your life, but it can and it will in
good ways and bad. The tragedy can either take over your life or guide your life
depending on how you face it, but you will never forget it; it will eventually
become easier, but it will never go away.
If you think of the happiest days of your life – your
wedding day, the birth of your children, your graduation – you remember them just
as everyone says, like it happened yesterday. You remember the colors and
people and smells and every other detail of the day. Unfortunately, I’ve
learned that the same can be true for the tragic events as well.
August 26th is not a day that Chris and I think
about often. It’s terrifying and traumatizing and dramatic and still to this
day is the most clear-blur in my mind. I remember every detail – every person’s
face, every cord and machine, every detail of the room, the expression on his
face – yet when I think about the day, it still feels like the slow motion
hurricane that it was when it was happening. A strange feeling to say the
least. Thinking about this day will instantly bring tears to my eyes and still
remains one of the only days that I have to really hold it together to talk
about. It is and was, by far, the hardest day of my life. Driving by the
hospital will instantly send a thousand flashes through my mind and mentions of
tiny things, seemingly irrelevant, will immediately send my mind back to the
PICU on August 26th.
It’s difficult to deal with today since there is no How To
book; it’s hard to know what you’re supposed to do – it’s obviously a hard day,
an emotional day, a scary day – not really a day that anyone wants to think
about, but I feel the need to do something – something important, something
special, something to show that even though our sweet boy is not here, we think
about him every single moment. I’ve heard it before that someone’s biggest fear
when they’ve lost someone is that they’ll be forgotten, and after losing
Weston, I can completely understand that and share that same fear. We decided
that we are going up to Tahoe tonight to the beach where we had our wedding and
Weston’s memorial. It’s a special place to us for obvious reasons but is
beautiful and happy and helps to hold the sadness away.
Our lives have changed so much over the last year – I feel
like we love a little more and get mad a little less. We are so grateful for
what we have, and especially for who we have in our lives. Our support system
is immense, and we are forever thankful for that. We hug Taylee a little
tighter and have more fun. You only live once and you never know what your
timeline is, so we have become a little more spontaneous and immensely more joyful.
I’ve learned that kindness and happiness are the best cure
to any bad day. As of this blog over 600 Kindness Cards have been thrown into
the world, and nothing makes me happier than to know that 600 nice things have happened
because of Weston (and I have more if you want them!!)! This blog has over
6,000 page views, which blows my mind that people actually want to hear our
story; and I hope that when they do, they squeeze their kids a little tighter.
I have spoken at one of the Safe Sleep classes in Reno (I was terrified; I made
it through without crying – sounds like a win!), and I plan on speaking
anywhere and everywhere that people will let me (let me know if you know of somewhere
good!). I have been in contact with the Licensing Supervisor for Washoe County
Social Services and have a big push to get rules, regulations, and monitoring
fixed. I’m busy and tired, but nothing has ever felt more worth it.
So as I’m sitting here today writing this, I’m looking out
my window to a sky filling with clouds, (2 days before today – no clouds;
forecast says for the next 7 days – no clouds… it just cannot be a coincidence –
I’m convinced!) I know that my Weston boy is with us every moment of every day,
and I know that one day, we’ll all be together again and that, too, makes today
a little bit easier.
Lesson #11:
