From the moment we knew how our situation would end in the
hospital, people started encouraging that we go to counseling. The doctors, the
nurses, friends, family… it was to the “Okay, Okay, we get it” point. The rumor
we heard was that many marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. It’s
terrifying getting that thrown at you just as your world is turned upside down.
I have to keep it together and save my marriage at the same time… hold on! I
started thinking about our relationship… any holes, any time bombs that are
going to explode? None that I could figure out. Chris and I communicate well;
we’ve known each other long enough to know what each of us needs and how each
of us deal with things, but to please everyone and make sure there were no time
bombs, I found a counselor and we went.
I had never been to counseling before, and it’s hard to know
what to expect. Almost every TV show portrays counseling as lying on the couch
and talking for an hour while they take notes (notes that always end up being
bored doodles). So we walked into the counseling office and sat on a couch.
Turns out that was really the only stereotypical thing about it. We told her
our story (the in the dark story…) and talked about how we were feeling; it all
felt pretty peaceful and relaxing. She told us that we seemed to be doing the
best that we could and that she really didn’t have any concerns about our
ability to deal with this situation. We could call if we needed her, but we
left feeling like we had passed counseling with flying colors. See everyone,
nothing to worry about!
A month later, our wonderful counselor got a call from me who
was in total disbelief about the real story… the whole story… the game changer.
When you get such time-stopping news, the whole world just spins. I honestly
had no idea what to think, how to think; I don’t even think I could identify my
feelings at that point. It’s all very surreal. But at this point, what happened
to Weston wasn’t just God’s plan; there was somebody who DID this; there was
someone to blame. And that scared me, because I wasn’t sure if Chris or I could
navigate that alone.
The best thing about counseling was the freedom to throw it
all out there and know that there is someone who can help you put it back together
or who can help explain your crazy irrational thinking to your spouse. Chris
and I really stayed on the same page through pretty much everything except the
feelings about Kelly. Chris was mad, and I was not. I remember this blowing up in
the car – I was on the phone talking to someone about what had happened, and I
kept making excuses for Kelly “well maybe she just needed to buy a pack n play
and so this was a one-time thing.” I felt like since I didn’t know otherwise
that I needed to give her the benefit of the doubt, since I would want someone
to do that for me (I did find out later that she had a pack n play in her
garage and just wasn’t using it… long sigh). Let’s just say that Chris and I
did not see eye to eye on this subject. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t mad
(honestly, I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t mad either!). I just felt so
disappointed in her and her choices. So we went to counseling and threw it all
out there. I remember the best thing that our counselor said to me that day was
that I didn’t have to feel stupid for my feelings. That seems obvious but could
not even cross my mind – I felt stupid that I wasn’t mad. She helped Chris and
I navigate our feelings and helped us come to terms with the fact that our
feelings may be different but they were both right for us. Did you know that
there’s not a checklist for how you feel when you’re grieving? Of course I knew
that, but when you’re in the middle of it, it just doesn’t make sense that
there wouldn’t be. She was an awesome crazy irrational thinking brain fixer. J
We met with our counselor for about 7 months after Weston
passed away. We just recently stopped. I can honestly say going was the best
choice we ever made. Could Chris and I have made it on our own; probably. But
our marriage, our happiness, our family is not something that I would be willing
to bet that on. At our last appointment, we sat with our counselor and laughed and
talked about all the good things that are happening; all the happy things we
have coming up and all the amazing ways we are keeping Weston’s memory alive. It
really felt like we had come full circle on that couch, and we are forever
grateful for her support, guidance, and time. As we were leaving, it felt like
we should invite her over for Christmas dinner. It’s strange telling a stranger
your fears and about the scariest, saddest parts of your life, but over time,
they become much less of a stranger and more a friend.
Lesson #9:
Lesson #9:
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